Crown Royal: Losing Friends. Losing Weight.
I’m not one to back commercial products, ever. In general I am allergic to most types of branding, logos, and things of the sort. However, I do have a small list of brands that peak my interest on occasion. The following items are some products of note, a top twelve of 2012 if you will…………..drum roll: Apple, Visa, WestJet, and Crown Royal. I have only listed four because everything else sucks. Everything!
My choices might also have to do with the fact that I’m currently staring at my Apple computer, on a WestJet plane, while paying for a Crown and Ginger with……yes……Visa.
APPLE - This is a fairly obvious and trendy choice. As a “prove of my own worth”, I’m going to have to go ahead and make the following claim: I was the 21st person in Canada with an original iPhone. If that isn’t enough, I once purchased ten Apple stocks at approximately $120 per share because of how strongly I believed in the company. These shares will be worth thousands soon. When that time comes, I will have my original iPhone gold plated, I will engrave “T-Bone” on it, and I will then proceed to wear it as a necklace.
VISA - Aside from drug dealers and prostitutes, who in god’s name uses cash these days? I suppose I can add barbers and immigrants to that very short list. If you don’t have a Visa due to an insufficient credit score, then I suggest you jump into a Delorian, go back to 1998, and return a Blockbuster videocassette. My policy for any establishment that doesn’t accept Visa: I don’t accept you. Spending money without receiving air miles in this fragile economy is just ludicrous.
WESTJET - Some call it the Greyhound of the sky. I agree. However, if you happen to travel frequently you will find WestJet’s customer service and overall ease of travel far superior to that of any airline. Take for example; the bitter staff at Air Canada. What in the world is wrong with some of those old wenches? Perhaps they’ve finally realized that it’s no longer 1992, and the obscene amount of perfume they insist on wearing is no longer enticing the pilots into sleeping with them? I suppose that’s enough make anyone a touch crabby.
NOTE: Next time you are on a plane, I dare you to snap your fingers and yell “waitress” to the flight attendant.
CROWN ROYAL - There are few things in this world that have the ability to make you feel embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, amazed, happy, sad, angry, weak and strong all at the exact same time. Crown Royal is one of these things. It’s truly “liquid gold”. Surely there is a secret ingredient in this magical elixir? It’s been said that it is so good that you will almost forget you’re hungry. In theory it could be used as a weight loss product, no? It doubles as both an appetite suppresser and provider of good times. The versatility is just phenomenal. It should be outlawed for being so awesome.
WARNING – If there are people you truly love in this world, I suggest you avoid Crown Royal at all costs!!!!! When over consumed, Crown Royal often backfires and works as a truth serum. You will say things that you REALLY shouldn’t say. You will do things you REALLY shouldn’t do. Shit will go straight up pear shaped. The next day you won’t remember anything. Unfortunately everyone else will. Friendships will be destroyed. This may in fact be as close as we come to finding the so called “fountain of youth”. If you have the urge to feel like a teenager, break up with your girlfriend, and get punched in the face all in one evening, then by all means, bottoms up bitches.
This article is dedicated to Scott Serfas: A proud Visa, Apple and Crown Royal loyalist since 1983.